Mini-MBA Talent Pipeline Group, Module Seven: Managing Synods

by Anon.

Memo

Following the recent updated modules on marketing and strategy, and then on safeguarding, a number of you have written in to request that we bring forward the module on Managing Synods. Apparently there has been some alarm at recent meetings of General Synod, with reports coming in of hitherto composed people on the podium looking uncomfortable, and some even appearing to look downright shifty. Some of you have also – and we thank you for this – pointed out that the clergy and laity should not be given opportunity to ask difficult questions, raise awkward issues, or otherwise disrupt the smooth flow and seamless webs of meanings being spun from behind those sitting in the front row (bravely facing the firing line).

At this stage, we judge the mood of General Synod to be no more than a level-3 “disconcerting”, which is well down from the level-6 “ugly train crash” of July 2023. There remains the possibility of a full-on revolt, or perhaps the slow handclap delivered to Prime Minister Blair at the Wembley Arena by the Women’s Institute, almost 25 years ago.

Were that to happen to the Archbishops, please don’t worry: pre-emptive measures are already in place to restore the appearance of order. Specifically, in the event of a slow handclap at Synod or similar disruptive revolutionary acts of misconduct, you may like to know that both Archbishops would:

1. leave the podium at that point, and join Synod members in their protest at the appalling conduct of those seated on the podium.
2. lead Synod, from the floor, facing those responsible seated on the podium, in an act of quiet and silent reflective prayer-protest, and also pin ribbons and messages to any LOUDFence erected.
3. make it clear that the Archbishops always stood with victims against the powers of oppression, so of course they are standing with those on the floor of Synod who believe that they now represent the dispossessed, and are being robbed of any proper democratic processes.
4. Immediately issue a press release stating how much sadness and frustration the Archbishops share with the protesters. (NB: we do not quantify what is meant by “how much” in such gestures – enough to make a PR impact on the day and grab some headlines, naturally; but not enough to make any difference in the future, obviously).

The drama thus concluded, Synod can return to business as usual, with the scripted motions, appropriate redactions, normal censorship and other attention to detail contained in the paper GS 101 (entitled “Ensuring Appropriate Scrutiny at General Synod” – but not a public document available for members to consult).

It will be apparent to everyone in the Talent Pipeline that the Secretary-General of the General Synod, who is also the Secretary of the Archbishops’ Council, the CEO of Church House, Lambeth Palace and the remainder of the Church of England, cannot, de facto, have a conflict of interest in any matter under discussion. Like the reigning monarch, or perhaps a President for Life in some distant micro-state that once rashly flirted with democracy and other modern innovations such as an independent judiciary, the Secretary-General cannot do anything about the role and position he finds himself in.

He did not create this system. He must just inhabit the role as humbly as possible. He rules by the Grace of God and the Consent of the People. Alone. But with the backing of Lambeth Palace lawyers and PR officers also around to help, and a Dark-Ops team who work off the grid, and can remove staff in the blink of an eye.

However, Talent-Pipeline attendees enrolled on the Mini-MBA module are invited to take a step back from General Synod, and assess it as a whole. The take-homes should be obvious, but in case you cannot spot what is hiding in plain sight, we list a few of the lessons to take away. Watch and learn!

1. The role of the Secretary General. The Secretary-General never speaks at Synod, yet controls everything that goes on. Like a monarch or some reclusive Japanese Emperor, he rules through force of law, silence and conducting all the real business in toto behind the curtains (Ed: ah, a veiled reference to the Wizard of Oz and Dorothy’s dog? Sec. Gen.: Take this as your first warning).
2. Voting. Remember, democracy is never one-person-one-vote. You might learn that kind of idealism at Primary School, but General Synod is Real World Politics, my friend. On the floor of Synod, the following rules apply:

a) The purpose of voting is always to get the right result. The right result is the result required before the voting was allowed to happen in the first place.

b) Voting is tedious, annoying and time-consuming, as we already know what we want to do, so the only question is how to achieve the correct outcome if people still insist on voting.

c) Some voting is done by clergy/laity/bishops’ houses, and the lawyers decide which, on advice from the Sec. Gen., sitting behind. The lawyers answer to the Sec. Gen. The Sec. Gen. answers to nobody, symbolised by his silence (Ed: You mean his refusal to speak or listen? Sec. Gen.: Second warning, seriously).

d) If in doubt, call a Tea Break, then 10 minutes later ring the Division Bell very quietly (so as not to interrupt the fellowship over a cuppa).

e) It is unclear if abstentions count as votes against, don’t count at all, or can be used as votes not counted in favour. The Sec. Gen. will advise the lawyers on what answer to give, depending on the issue up for debate. For example, if 100 people can vote on same-sex blessings, and fifty vote in favour, that is only 50%, so a fail. If 25 people abstain, and 25 vote against, you might think that 2/3 of the votes cast were in favour. But, duh! The ‘ayes’ only got half the votes. If, however, the same voting patterns were repeated for approving new mission communities to replace tiresome parishes, then the mind of Synod is clearly 2/3 in favour, with only 25% unable to make up their mind, and 25% against. Simple.

f) Unclear? Good. This is why you need the lawyers on the podium, and experts like the Sec. Gen, to safely guide you through such labyrinths. Thank God democracy is in such safe hands (Sec. Gen.: You are now on your final warning. Don’t even think it).

3. The agenda. Try to be imaginative about how you use Synod time. Remember, the more time you spend on launching initiatives and making presentations, the more it looks like you have a fresh and urgent energy about you, and are someone who is willing to try something new. It also means there is less time to dwell on difficult topics like money, income, statistics, morale, the mental health of clergy, etc – which just gets everyone down. You need to keep away from that sort of stuff, as people might hold you to account.

Schedule business right at the end of the day, when everyone wants to go home or has already started drifting off. Or, schedule it just before lunch, as people need a loo-break by then. Or better still, put it right at the start of day, as it implies there is nothing to see here, and “there will be much more substantial things for Synod to be discussing later”.

If you have passed this module, trust me, there won’t be.