by Anon.
1. What is the approximate population of your diocese? How many parishes does your diocese have? How many Churches? What percentage identify as Christian? What percentage of Christians are committed in terms of a fraction (i.e., a bit; quite a bit; sometimes; depends on what else is happening this weekend; a lot; “I’m retired”; etc)? To the nearest 100,000 how many tea lights were used in your diocese last year?
2. How many stipendiary clergy are working in the diocese?
(a) around 190
(b) around 230
(c) that’s a problem for the Archdeacon
(d) about half
3. The solemn declaration made before your ordination or first licensing in the diocese that “In public prayer and administration of the sacraments I will use only the form prescribed in the Book of Common Prayer or a form authorised by lawful authority and none other” means
(a) nothing
(b) “Not a lot, but you’ll like it!” – (Paul Daniels)
(c) you may download anything from the internet and use it after attaching a bogus copyright licence number
(d) you should remember not to use such material when the bishop visits
(e) what it says
4. True or false, with extra points for naming these authorities:
(a) ‘The Church of England is a device for allowing agnostics to remain in the church’
(b) ‘One good thing about being an Anglican is that it doesn’t interfere with your politics or religion’
5. “I can hold my hand on my heart and honestly say that I have obtained a faculty when making changes in a church or in the vicinity of a church”:
(a) always, but sometimes afterwards
(b) always, but I would be lying a bit
(c) it was like that when I came here, honest
(d) obtained a what?
6. An Anglican clergyperson requesting permission from the bishop to conduct a burial service for a Baptist should expect the following reply from the Archdeacon:
(a) “I am currently out of the office…if your matter is urgent please…”
(b) go ahead if the deceased has been baptised in the name of the Trinity
(c) go ahead as long as you use the Anglican Rite
(d) go ahead, bury as many of them as you can
7. When I see the number 1662, I know that this refers to:
(a) the authorised Elizabethan Book of Common Prayer, which was actually published in the Stuart dynasty, after England had executed a monarch, been a republic, and otherwise decided that Puritans and Catholics should be deported overseas
(b) the pin code for the Archdeacon’s Swiss Bank account
(c) the key-safe code for the front door keys to Archbishop Welby’s private Swiss Chalet (second on the right, after Ken Costa’s)
(d) the number of people working for the NST and safeguarding across CofE NCIs (though this is double counting, as most already work in Legal Affairs or Communications)
(e) in inches, normal social distancing at a Cof E BCP 8 a.m.
(f) the predicted number of stipendiary clergy left remaining within the CofE by 2034, that being the 500th anniversary of the creation of the national church by Henry VIII (who started it all off with a change to the doctrine of marriage)
(g) the annual value of your clergy pension, in pounds sterling, in 2034, after deductions and allowances have been made for all current Strategic Development Fund disbursements
(h) your monthly clerical stipend, for now
(i) the number of people likely to be employed at your Diocesan HQ, if current trends continue. (Please don’t worry, as this expense is fully covered. That is what the Diocesan Parish Quota Share is for)
(j) the number of new lay-led discipling churches that your Diocese promised it would create in order to obtain the £10 million grant from the Strategic Development Fund
(k) the most difficult posture in the Anglican Kama Sutra, reserved only for male clergy who cannot in conscience accept women priests or bishops. Please note, this requires four participants, with each person required to assume the pose of the relevant number. Due to the potential hazards of this position, it should only be attempted after a risk assessment has been undertaken, and a PEV must be present at all times during the actual act
(l) the average number of days for conducting an NST safeguarding ‘Lessons Learned Review’ such as Makin, etc. Please note, when the 1662 days are completed, the clock returns to zero and the review restarts from scratch, as there will be brand new elections to the General Synod
(m) the number of complaints made against the Secretary General of the Archbishops’ Council and NST last year. (Editor: I’ve been asked to clarify all were thoroughly investigated and either resolved informally or not upheld)
(n) the number of Mission Enablers employed in the CofE
(o) the coded number of the Beast in Revelation, according to my colleagues at our local HTB Plant. Apparently if you take the two 6s away, then join the remaining numbers of 1 and 2 together to make a 12, then divide the 12 by the numbers remaining (which is 2), that equals 6. So, the 1662 BCP is actually a code for 666 as set out in Revelation 13. A series of talks is now available on the God Channel and YouTube. And there are books. Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Have a lovely summer break.
Any thoughts?